Thoughts on Marriage

I've decided to write a few words on Debi Pearl's book, "Created to be His Help Meet." This book is very popular right now. It seems like everyone I know has at least heard of the book. I read the book about a month ago and had some issues with it. You may have read it and loved it or hated it or didn't care one way or the other, but I thought I'd write about the thoughts I have on the book. First off, Pearl talks about staying in a marriage relationship because it provides us with the opportunity to be a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom. The first part of her book is dedicated to that premise. My problem with it is that the motivation is all wrong. If we are in a relationship that is not all we would like it to be, we are to stay in that relationship because of the promise we made to God. Remember those vows? We are not to stay just because it makes our lives more to our liking. Call me an old stick in the mud but I still believe in love. I'm not talking about the fickle and romantic love everyone seems to strive toward. I'm talking about the love in the Bible that is all about others and all for others. I'm talking agape love. God's kind of love. This is the love we promise our husbands on our wedding day. To love him forever for better or for worse.

Agape love is all about the other person. It is wanting the very best for that other person for our entire lives. We stay in a marriage because it is a commitment made before God to love, honor, cherish, and obey. And both parties make the commitment. It is a total emptying of ourselves for the other person. For his best. For his good. For his health. For his pleasure. For his desire. For his needs. For his sake. It is the giving of everything that makes us us to the other person for his use. A marriage is the beginning of the life-long commitment to love the other no matter what. It doesn't matter even if he is unlovable we are called to love him. Oh and it works the other way too. Everything that is true for the woman is true for the man. Giving and taking. Agape love is working toward giving the other the best, the most fulfilling, the happiest life possible. It is totally unconditional. It is the yielding of our way to his because we want the best for him. If we work at keeping our marriage alive only because we gain something out of the equation, we have a sick relationship. We are not giving our all for the right reasons. Even the heathen will stay in a relationship when it makes her feel good for her efforts. It's nice to feel good and there's nothing wrong with that but it shouldn't come from our efforts at making ourselves happy. It must come as a result of doing everything we possibly can in the life of our husband to make it the best for him.

Our happiness and contentment should come to us only as a by-product of loving him. We aren't meant to make it the best for us. We are meant to make it the best for him. Everything we do should on some level stem from wanting the very best for our husbands. And if we benefit through that process, so be it. But we aren't to enter into a relationship striving for the best for us. We are to enter into it striving the very best for our husbands. Remember we vowed to love, honor, and obey. (I realize that a lot of vows have deleted the "obey" part but I choose to leave it in because we are to obey each other in the context of this marriage arrangement.) I do nice things for my husband, cook the food the way he likes it, keep his house clean and orderly, iron his shirts without being asked, etc., all because I wish the best for him and not because I get something out of it. And the blessing is that I do get something out of it. I get to experience the joy of doing something for the other simply because I want to make him happy.

Marriage is a complicated thing that we've over the years made even more complicated. But I can say quite emphatically that I don't keep up my end of the bargain so I can be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, I wasn't a stay-at-home mom. I had to work and keep up with everything else at the same time. And I did this because I loved my husband. I was a single mom when I met my husband and he expected me to continue to work and for that matter so did I. But if a family can get by on just one income I say "praise the Lord," stay home and be a great mom and wife. But I've sort of gotten off my main point here. The point I'm trying to make is that it's complicated enough, we don't need to spend an ounce of energy making it more complicated. Whenever I am unhappy all I have to do is think back on my wedding vows. I promised to love, cherish, and obey and no where is it written in that promise that I would do these things for as long as my husband made me happy. In fact, my happiness isn't even entered into the equation! I promised to love my husband, to cherish my husband, and obey my husband. This is agape love, the giving of my all for the sake of another. And in this case the "other" is my spouse. The cherishing is to carry that agape love one step farther. To cherish the little things about him. The way he always walks on the street side of the sidewalk when we walk together. The way he comes around and opens my car door. The way he makes me giggle when I'm trying to be miffed at him. Yes, and even the way he leaves his dirty socks on the bedroom floor. And the way he never rinses out his milk glass. Everything about him is to be cherished because if we truly love our husbands the dirty socks are trivial, the milk glass is a non-issue. It is good to cherish everything about our spouse. He is a unique person because he is mine and I am his. When I really agape my husband it does a strange thing to me. It makes me happy and I feel fulfilled. I want the very best for my husband too. I always give him the best chair. (He doesn't always take it by the way.) I watch the TV programs he wants to watch. I cook his eggs the way he likes them cooked. My duty is to love my husband with all my heart and with my every action. My duty is to agape him. And I fulfill my duty with an eager heart because I like nothing else so much as making my husband happy. And this is why I work at my marriage. I don't work at it for what I can get out of it. Rather I work at it to give him the very best I can give him.

Loving my husband comes right after loving the Lord in my list of priorities. So if your marriage allows you to stay home and care for the house and the kids say thank you to the Lord (and your husband) and work as hard at being a good wife and mother as you worked for your boss in the secular world. Your secular boss didn't want you to spend the day letting the chores go and watching television all day instead. You should work at your marriage no less than you would have worked for a secular employer. So we don't, under any circumstances, work at our marriage because we get something out of it. Rather, we work at our marriages because of what we can put into it. And we gain a happy marriage as a by-product to our efforts of making the very best happen for our spouse. Ladies, if we work at our marriages for what we can get out of it, well, that's prostitution.

Pearl, in so many ways, says that we are to stroke our husbands egos and make him feel good about himself. I disagree. We are to do everything we can do to make it easier for our husbands to say no to self, no to the flesh, and no to the carnal man. As Christians we aren't even to have egos. Christ is our life! As a Christian, it is the Lord's desire that we give of our selves and submit to Him and Him alone. This applies equally to both spouses. If we do nothing but praise our husbands, how will he keep a good balance? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you can't tell your hubby he's a terrific man because chances are he is. But what I am saying is that we tell him he's great because he is and not because it makes him happy and when he's happy he doesn't care that I just bought another pair of shoes. It's the motivation that counts ladies. My husband is a miracle worker. Present him with a problem and give him a few minutes to think about it and he will come up with the solution for the problem. He's incredible that way and I tell him he's great about that because it's the truth and because I want him to know that I appreciate that quality in him. Not because I'm going to get anything out of it and certainly not so that he will get puffed up and satisfy his ego. We must above all things keep the marriage bond honest between us and our spouse. We give compliments because they are deserved and not to stroke his ego and not because we're going to get anything out of it. Marriage must be built upon truth or it won't succeed.

We are to be our husbands helpmate. That is biblically clear. The sexes are arranged to need each other. Most women need a man. And most men need a woman. Men were created to protect and care for women. Women were created to finish or complete men. Does that seem strange? Are men truly incomplete on their own? No. It's not so much that we complete him as it is that we satisfy him. My husband is constantly creating some little something to do a particular task. And most of the time I am at his side to help him. Even when he goes out to do something by himself I will usually tag along. Sometimes I just sit out there and watch him work. And the funny thing is that I'm usually not there very long before he asks me to hold something or go get something for him. I enjoy this part of our marriage. I love doing things with him and for him. I am submissive to my husband in this way. I learned it from my mother. She demonstrated this quality in her life. She was always there to help my dad do anything he was trying to do. It only feels natural to me to do things for my husband. If he drops something, I will pick it up. If he needs something, I will go and get it for him. If he can't find something I will help him find it. I get great satisfaction out of being his helpmate. I feel fulfilled when I am doing things for him. It's all about the motivation. What motivates me to be his helpmate? Spending time with him. Doing things for him that are easier for me to do than for him to do. I get incredible fulfillment from doing things for him. I am always trying to think of something that will make his life a little easier. I want to help him. I want to serve him would be the Christian way to look at this. It is a joy to give of myself in this way. I'm serving him but I am being fulfilled at the same time. If you can just humble yourself to ask what you can do today to benefit your husband, you'll see that before long you will be doing all kinds of things for your husband and you will be reaping great rewards in the process.

But this all stems from wanting the very best for your mate at all times. It is the yielding of ourselves for another. It is agape. It is loving with God's kind of love. And it's what marriage is all about. We are to submit ourselves in this way because it's the way the Lord arranged it. Does this make us into doormats? Quite the contrary, my friends. Our husbands will have the desire in their hearts to love us unconditionally as well. And we will find that rather than a doormat, we are his cherished possession. What if he doesn't, you ask? Well, you are still indebted to do the very best for your spouse regardless of the way he treats you. (Now, I'm not saying you should take beatings and other abuses.) The one thing we must remember is that we made a promise before God and we must honor that promise. We are to love, cherish, honor, and obey because God says so. Period. End of conversation. We don't need to know what "type" of man we married. We don't need to know what sign he was born under. We don't need to know if he is from Venus or Mars or Neptune or the Jungle Book. The only thing we need to know is what our obligation is before the Lord. All we need to know is that we promised to love, cherish, honor and obey him.

And then there's that nasty little word. Did you catch it? It was the next to the last word in the previous paragraph. Yeah, that's it. That ugly little word there: obey. Well what exactly does this mean for us? I don't claim to have all the answers. But I know what it isn't. It isn't asking for permission to write a book! It isn't following orders. It isn't giving up everything we hold dear. But it is a total yielding of ourselves to our spouses. It is caring for them more than caring for ourselves. It is loving him enough to give of ourselves one hundred percent. To do things his way when you can't decide between the issues. It's realizing that your mate matters and your marriage is a sacred arrangement and there can't be two alpha dogs in the pack. It's being a good wife and mother and companion. It's being to him all you want him to be for you and more.

I know a woman who is always at church. She's there every day and I'm not exaggerating. She is there every single day. Some days she's there from 7 AM to 8:00 or 9:00 PM. Her husband has a drinking problem. Which I can thoroughly understand. I might have a drinking problem too if my mate was gone every day and was never home with me. This falls under obeying. We are to be a good wife and companion. We are to cherish our time with our spouses. It's great that you can go to every activity at church as long as you aren't neglecting the vows you made when you got married. My husband is a believer but not an active one. I make it a point of letting him know that he's welcomed to go to any event I go to at my church. But I don't go to every event! He would never complain about me going. That's just not the type of person he is. But I pick and choose the events and I certainly don't go to them all. Not if he's not going. I am his spouse, his mate, his companion, his friend. How can I possibly be at church for hours and hours every single day, going to every meeting and activity, and fulfill my obligations to my husband at the same time? I can't. Therefore, I pick and choose what activities I attend. I would love to go to them all. But am I really being a loving spouse if I am gone all the time? No, I'm not. The obeying part of our vows simply means that we are to put our husbands first. This was the way God put marriage together. When there are two members one of them must be the submissive member. To obey is to accept this as coming from the Lord because it is coming from the Lord. If my husband and I disagree about something I may stand and argue my point but if it comes down to the wire, I will always submit to his choice. He is my head as Christ is his head. But this submission doesn't mean that we have to ask for permission to go to the store. Heavens! We are not children who can't direct our own steps. And our husbands didn't marry us so that they would have someone to boss around. Or at least we should hope they didn't. I can assure you of that! If we are giving our best to our husbands that is all that's required of us. But the motivation has to come from an honest and pure heart. Yes, there are many benefits to being married and we will reap those benefits constantly if we are putting our husbands first. If we agape him. If we want the best, the utmost for our spouse, there are no problems when that pesky little word rears its frightening head. Obeying is a joy when it comes from a pure heart. If we are giving everything we have to our husbands to make him as happy as we can because we love him, and want him to be happy, obeying is not pesky, it is not ugly. It is pure and chaste and loving and commendable and it is what God wishes for us.

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I think it is time to lie down on the couch for 20-30 mins and refresh myself. I always need a few mins on the couch to make it through the day. Especially since we're staying up until midnight or later watching the Olympic games. What fun those are!! I hope you're enjoying them as much as we are.

Today was a little warmer than yesterday. I had to turn on the cooler mid-afternoon. I do get so tired of listening to the roar of it though. Hubby's asleep in his chair. He's so funny. He doesn't consider that napping. He only counts naps as naps if he goes in and stretches out on the bed. But I know a nap when I see one! Right not he's got Olympic boxing on and I don't care for that sport so I've got my hearing aids turned off and you know, it gets rid of that roar from the cooler too!

My hearing. Have I ever explained what happened to my hearing? I lost my hearing overnight. I went to bed a normal hearing person and woke up the next morning totally deaf. I stayed totally deaf for 4 long, miserable months and then some sounds began to filter back in again. I have about 50% hearing with my hearing aids on. No doctor has ever been able to explain why I went deaf and none of them has been able to assure me that I won't go totally deaf again. I was in my late 30s when I woke up deaf. I can remember the first thing I did was run and pick up the phone. I was going to call my husband and tell him to come home because I needed him. And I put the receiver to my ear and realized I couldn't call him. I couldn't call work and let them know I couldn't come in. But then I figured it didn't much matter because I couldn't do the work I did without good ears. I did have my husband call the next day though and I eventually went in and cleaned out my desk because there was no way for me to do my job without hearing. Truth be told, I really didn't like that job anyway, ha! My biggest loss by far was losing my love of music. Music used to surround me and fill me up. I loved music. Music was a big, big part of my life. But I no longer enjoy it much. I can hear it now with my hearing aids but I can't understand any of the words so music has had to take a back seat for me. It's no longer the enjoyment it always was. Bummer.

Did I tell you my daughter-in-law ordered a wig for me? I'm sure I must have. Anyway, it hasn't gotten here yet. Of course she only ordered it a couple days ago. I hope I like the wig because I'll have to wear it whether I like it or not after her doing such a sweet, unselfish thing. She was so loving to do that. It's not a style I would have picked but that's okay. I'll let Nancy buy one of my choosing. That way I can have two wigs. The one my daughter-in-law ordered had shoulder length hair and I would have ordered one with a short, short cut since that's closest to my real hair. Or what my real hair was, I should say. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment and I'll see what he says about my hair falling out. And I also a couple hours later have a hair appointment. I called yesterday and left a message for her that she wouldn't need to block off time for a shampoo and style that all I want is for her to shape it around my ears and clipper the back. I'm also going to have her shave my head just to the point that it's all the same length. I don't want her to shave it down to the scalp but I just want it all about 1/8th of an inch long. Some of it is close to 1/2 inch and some of it is about the 1/8th length. I just want her to leave it as long as possible but to get it all the same length.

As you've plainly seen, I went ahead and took that leap off the cliff today and just stated my opinions on marriage and submission. That took a lot of courage so be gentle with me, ha! I have more to write but I thought maybe I should break it up into manageable bites so I don't choke anyone on it. But there are a lot of good things in Debi Pearl's book but the biggest problem I have is with her motivation. For her, giving is so we'll get. For me giving is so I can give even more. It will be interesting to see what kind of comments my readers will leave me. Just remember that these are my own opinions on the way I see the marriage arrangement. I don't claim to be an expert by any stretch of the imagination. I just thought I would give my opinion on Pearl's book. It just seemed that her entire premise was to do something so we'd get something in return. And I feel that premise is wrong. We give so we can continue to give and if we get in the process, Praise God! But that's not where we're coming from.

Well, it is time to feed my beasts. (I'm surprised Mario is climbing all over my computer keyboard demanding his cat food right this instant.) So guess I'll let this be it for this time. I will be back Friday if everything works out okay. And if you like what I wrote and want to hear more let me know in your comments. If you don't like it and don't want to hear any more please state so in your comments too. Either way. Take care my friends and don't get mad at me over this post. These are just my opinions and you don't have to agree with me. I love you all just the way you are. All I ask in return is that you accept me as I am. Okay, I'm gone. Bye...