Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Not My Usual Self

I don't know if this week of blogs is going to work for me at all. I wasn't up to blogging yesterday and really don't want to blog today. My problem is ... are you ready for this? Talk about freaky things happening. ALMOST ALL MY HAIR HAS FALLEN OUT!! That's right. My hair has fallen out. I'm sitting here typing with a scarf on my head. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow but what can she do? Glue it back on? I have saved all my hair in a bag to take with me so she can see how it came out. It didn't come out 2 or 3 hairs at a time. No, it came out in clumps!

It all started about 2 weeks ago, maybe 2-1/2 weeks ago. I developed some itching. Then a rash of some kind. And then a hard layer of something almost like a white scab formed on my scalp, like a crust. My entire head was covered with this scab or crust and when the "crust" broke loose and came off, all my hair in that area came off with it. I still have some hair but I'm also still shedding. There's no denying it; it really looks bad and I have the most awful hunch that it won't grow back. So it may be wigs and scarves for me for the rest of my life. That is, unless I can withstand the stares and go natural. Which I don't really think I can do. I don't mind going around natural here at home but what am I going to do when I have to go out in public? I have a Deacon's meeting to chair Thursday night. Then of course there's church on Sunday. I will feel so silly sitting there with a cap or scarf on my head. But I would feel a lot sillier to be sitting there bald.

I'm not completely bald. I still have tufts of hair around on my head. But it looks really bad. The entire top and around the crown of my head there's just a smattering of hair. I think it would look better if I just shaved it all off and I may get up the nerve to do that. I mean, I certainly can't make it look any worse! I will know more after seeing the doctor tomorrow. Maybe. I think a lot of what I do rests upon whether or not this is a permanent loss of hair. It all started with an allergic reaction to a hair care product. (Or at least that's what the doctor thought.) It's just weird to go from normal to bald in a couple of weeks. People will think I'm undergoing chemo and they won't mention it. Or I can hope they won't. I guess if they ask I'll just have to tell them my hair fell out. And while I'd been losing clumps of hair for a week, yesterday was the big day. I had hair all over my bathroom and all around the shoulders of the top I was wearing. Every time I ran a comb through my hair I had to stop and clean the comb because one pass and it would be full of hair. Not all is lost though. Over the ears and along the nape of the neck I have near normal amounts of hair at this time. But so much fell out yesterday it was incredible. It was like something you'd see in a nightmare! Well this will surely be a test of my Christian faith. I really, really don't want to be bald. I can stand it for a little while but for the rest of my life? I don't know, that's kind of shaky.

Actually, to be quite truthful about it, I'm not nearly as upset as I thought I'd be if something were to ever happen like this. I mean, it's pretty traumatic for a woman's hair to fall out, you have to say that much for it, but I am relatively calm about the whole thing. Especially since yesterday was really the day for hair loss. I mean, I had lost a lot of hair up until then but I'd been able to go to church on Sunday with a little creative styling and a prayer that no one would look deeper than the surface. After yesterday, however, the game is over. There is no styling creative enough to fix this problem. Of course, like I said, just staying around home is giving me a false sense of security. I will know my real reaction will come tomorrow when I go out to the doctor. I'm starting to get a little nervous about going out in public. If this turns out to be permanent, my sisters are going to take me wig shopping. But I can hardly stand the thought of wearing wigs for the rest of my life.

I would ask, Why me? But the only real answer to that is, Why not me? What do I think is so special about me that I should be spared such an event? We all know there is nothing special about me. I'm just an average, run-of-the-mill Christian who tries to learn a lesson from every experience the Lord allows to come into my life. No matter what, God allowed this hair loss to happen to me so I must take it the same way as if it were coming directly from the Lord. My only worry is that I will miss the lesson in sanctification this brings into my life. The whole experience will be for nothing if I miss the lesson. Lord, open my eyes and let me not miss what you want me to learn. Grant me the ability to find and understand the reason behind this trouble I'm going through. May my eyes be ever opened to see whatever it is that you are doing in my life. I need to recognize whatever it is that You are using to transform me into one more like Christ. I mean, there's definitely some humility mixed in here (duh!) but I never really thought myself proud over having hair in the first place. I haven't really had the time to think this all out.

The loss happened so suddenly. My hair is still shedding and I wish it would just get to the final point and either start growing back or I can start the grieving process for the loss of my hair. And I mustn't think for a moment that there will not be grief. A woman doesn't lose the "crown" of her glory without a few tears. I haven't cried yet. Actually I haven't had the time to feel much of anything. It just sort of suddenly happened and I'm left without knowing what to think. Besides the fact that I realize it looks very bad. Face it, women aren't supposed to lose their hair. But maybe it will grow back in a little thicker and will have more body to it. That's the good part to think about. Maybe I'll go through this and have the end result be a gloriously beautiful head of hair. Yeah, right! I'm bald and I'm probably going to stay that way. So anyway I'm not really in the mood for blogging so I'm going to take this week off and write again when I know a few things.

My head itches and hurts today. What a freaky thing to happen. Can you imagine going bald? I can't and it's happened to me! As Solomon would say, 'Vanity, it's all vanity. Just chasing after the wind.' I guess I need to run out to the store and buy some bacon for dinner tonight and then I may lie down and take a little nap. I have a lot of reading I need to do and a whole lot of cleaning I need to do but I lack any motivation for either. This is all in God's hands and whatever He wills, I'm determined to withstand without too much whining. Trust me, it's not easy when it comes to something like a woman's hair.


God Chaser said...

A woman's hair is her glory and I am not sure I can give you the words you need. I can't imagine how I would feel if I was losing a lot of hair but I have permanent hair loss due to over perming. Yes it is one of the things I dislike about myself- I do not have a beautiful head of hair, but guess what God knows the number on my head. Yes we pray to be more Christlike and when the test comes we find it is not so easy and that is truth. This i believe God is preparing you sor something. As i write this a song is playing I'll pray for you and you pray for me and watch God change things. Here my frien dis my prayer for you.

Holy Father, my friend is going through another trail and we know You have allowed this for a reason, reasons we don't understand at this moment but we know we can trust in You and we know You will fix this problem as you have fixed others. Father give my friend Godlover strength to endure and let her not miss the lesson and purpose for this ordeal. Lord God we still praise You and still magnify Thy Name for we know You are a big God with big answers and we pay You will be glorified in this. Thank you Lord for hearing our prayer and thank you Lord for answering in ways we can't even imagine. In Jesus Name Amen.

Be blessed my friend, may the God of all comfort fill you with Himself and may His peace reign in your heart and spirit until this too has passed.

Debra said...

Hi, I'm Debra. My head had to be shaved because of a brain tumor operation, about 13 years ago. Different circumstances, yes, but I DO know just how you feel.
I also believe yours will grow back-even fuller. I'm praying for you too. I loved God chaser's prayer, but I'll pray for you and put you on my blog prayer list.
Trust Him.

Tracy said...

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard that must be to see everyday. Know that I'm praying that this is a short term situation and that once the infection is clear your hair will return. Hang in and continue to fix your eyes and heart on Jesus.

A very dear young friend of mine (she used to be in my jr. high small group) has alopecia and lost all her hair at the age of 3. She wore cloth hats for many years, and then started wearing wigs a few years back. You would never know. She truly believes growing up that way strengthened her reliance on the Lord.

Keep trusting the Lord, friend.