Thursday, October 30, 2008

Another Hard Day


Merle died at 11:19 last night. They took him directly to surgery and harvested his organs and then had his body transported to a mortuary for cremation. What a horrible ordeal! Thank God that I had people there to do my thinking for me when Richie died. I wish I had had him cremated instead of buried in a coffin. I would still have him with me in a sense if I had his ashes. Michael wants to be cremated and his ashes scattered off the beach where we scattered his best friend's ashes several years ago. Tom lived in Ohio and his wife, Judy, shipped his ashes to us and we drove over to the coast and scattered his ashes as Tom had requested before he died. We scattered his ashes and saluted him with a toast of champagne. (Or was it beer?) But when we do Michael, I will keep some of his ashes to have with me and then scatter the rest.

I had to take M across the river for his post op appointment with his podiatrist. I wheeled him back to the bathroom to freshen up before going. I used my office chair from here at the computer. That was an ordeal but it was better than M having to fight with his crutches. Poor guy, he just doesn't have the upper body strength anymore to use crutches. I parked out front at the medical clinic and went in and got a wheel chair for him and, wow, it was so much better than trying to use my office chair. M saw his doctor and got a flu shot while he was there and I got him home and settled and then made it to my flu shot clinic in time to get my shot by 5:00 mins before they closed for the day. So both of us have our shots over and done with.

I went up the street a ways to the Senior Center and asked where I could borrow a wheelchair and with no hassle or trouble at all I was able to get one right there. I put it in my trunk and came home without it falling out. Yea! I went back out to get the mail and swing by the pharmacy to pick up some meds I had called in to have filled for me. M was asleep when I got home so I took the shovel out in the yard and dug a hole for Mulder. So I have that all ready. He is still clinging to life but just barely. He is totally lifeless but his chest is still going up and down so he hasn't died yet. I expect him to at any time. I keep going into M's studio (it's where Mulder has chosen to die) and stroking him. Telling him what a really good cat he was and how much we love him. Most of the time I get no reaction from him at all. He doesn't appear to be in any pain. He has his eyes open but most of the time I can tell he's not really seeing anything. I just talk softly to him and stroke his beautiful body. Or what was a beautiful body before the ravages of kidney failure. He's skin and bone right now like Callie was when I had her put down.

If I had the money I would have Mulder put down too rather than letting him linger like this and die on his own, but I simply don't have the money right now. It's just not there. They charge like a hundred dollars to put a cat down. Which is so stupid. The syringe full of chemicals cost pennies! Pennies!! I could afford the pennies and a $20 fee but $100 is out of the question. I don't think he's suffering, thank God, and I think he's pretty much out of it even though he sometimes moves his head a tiny bit. It's so hard to see him the way he is. About three years ago he somehow got out of the house and went missing for nine days and then he finally came up to the front door and meowed. After that he was a totally different cat. Much more loving and he allowed M and I to both pet him at the same time. Something he never permitted before his nine days in the wilderness. He became a real cuddle puppy. He loved to be held. He liked to jump up on top of the china hutch and then he would quite often jump down onto the table to get down. However, if you were sitting at the table and if you didn't know he was up there and was therefore not expecting him to jump down, when he landed on the table your heart would just stop! I always thought my table centerpiece should be a sign that read: Beware of falling cats!

I really, really love this cat. And I hate this life. Today I hate this life a lot. Mulder was a super neat cat. Big and tall. Very tall with long, long legs. He always walked with his tail held erect like a flag on a bike pole. He had the face and coloring of a mountain lion. Really a majestic stance when he stood and a beautiful perfect pose when he laid down, tucking his front paws under his chest. Just a beautiful, beautiful cat. But now he's lying on his side in the darkened studio away from all the lights and noises. I've got the door closed so none of the other animals will get back there and bother him. I hope he dies before it gets dark so I can get him buried and done with tonight instead of trying to do it tomorrow in the rain. It all depends on when he decides to let go of life. This life that I hate so much. It's almost like an insult to me. Yesterday I commented that I hated this life and I didn't think we were meant to enjoy this life. What I was trying to say is that there are very few things capable of giving us joy in this life. We can have periods of happiness in this life. It's not all the pits. But happiness is based on hap-penings. We get our word happiness from the Old English word "hap." Which means exactly what I said. The old word hap was translated happenings and so as long as our hap-penings are going in a good direction, we can experience hap-piness. And I think outside of the Lord that's the most we can hope for out of this life: happiness when all the happenings are going right for us. True joy comes only from the Lord. We can experience joy in this life when we worship our heavenly Father and experience the joy of fellowship with Him. But that is the only real joy there is in this life, and the next life for that matter. Joy happens only in association with God our Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. You may disagree but this is the way I see things.

I recoil from "preachers" of joy in this life. You know the ones. The ones who write book after book (always with their picture on the front) telling us that God wants us to have the best and be the best in this life. That He wants to shower us with the best material possessions and the best "things" of this life. Nice cars. Nice homes. Great clothes. Wonderful vacations, etc., etc. That God is there to give us the best of everything like some penny arcade somewhere in middle America. "Buy my book and I'll make you a better you!" Joy, true joy, comes only from God as we relate to him in this life. It is only in our fellowship with Him that it's possible for us to experience joy. I believe this life is meant to drive us to Him. He is to be our comfort, our strength, our very lives. In Him we have joy. This life is filled with woes and sufferings and we are meant to learn that joy can only be found in Him. We surround ourselves with so many things to bring ourselves happiness. We are consumed with things and these so-called "teachers" teach us to want even more things. Jesus says these are not the important things. They (I call their message the "feel-good gospel") tell you that God wants you to be the best you can be. To live the best life surrounded with the best things. But the Bible doesn't tell us that. Scripture says we are to hunger and thirst after righteousness, not things. Scripture says that joy is in the Lord, not in things and others.

We are to seek the Lord with every ounce of fiber we have in our being. Now let me ask you; Exactly when do you seek the Lord with everything you have in you? Isn't it when you're going through trials of some kind? Isn't it in our struggles that we end up feeling the closest to our God? It is for me. When my days are filled with happiness and happenings; when I'm having the time of my life, experiencing and creating a "better me" I find myself the farthest from Jesus Christ.

We are to seek the Lord, not things, and certainly not ourselves! We are to recognize that nothing good dwells in us and we are to seek the Lord's goodness, to strive for a deeper, stronger relationship. If nothing good dwells in me, why would I want to make myself a "better" me? If I am in Christ, as I am, I don't need to make myself a better me. It is Christ who lives and not I and what I need to do is seek the better things of Christ. With me, I seek and experience the Lord the most when I am hurting or struggling in some way. So my rational mind tells me that earthly "happiness" is of lesser importance than joy in the Lord. While God does not desire us to be miserable, I think He, at the same time, doesn't want us to get too comfortable in this life. This is not our home here. We are simply passing through. Don't strive for happiness in this life. It's okay if it comes your way but strive for Joy in the Lord instead. Put all your efforts into having the best relationship with God that is humanly possible. Let the disappointments and sorrows of this life drive you to our loving Lord and find your joy in Him and Him alone. All this other stuff is just fluff. It's all bitter water. Even the very best this life has to offer is still bitter water. Fluff. Excess. Waste. Woes of all kinds. In God we find a healing balm for our wounds, a real sense of joy in knowing Him better and better. Don't fall for the line of creating the "better you!" Assign this life to secondary status and work instead to create the best God has to offer in the way of an intimate relationship with Himself. That's where our joy is. And in joy we find contentment. God is our all in all. Let's not sully the relationship with a "better" you. In every thing we do we are to seek God and He promises not to disappoint any of us. If we truly turn our backs on this life and place all our hopes and dreams in the next life, when all is said and done, we will have experienced the real joy God promises us.

Merle at 18 had his entire life before him. Richie at 22 had his entire life in his future. Merle spent his life on a quick fix and Richie decided life wasn't worth living and he ended his. Two strong, healthy, vibrant young men. Two bright lights snuffed out all too soon. The world has suffered a terrible loss with the death of Merle. Richie has now been dead longer than he was ever alive. I sometimes feel like the numbers nullify his life. Like it was all for nothing. It's been 22 years since Rich died yet the pain is as raw and bitterly painful now as it was back then. Both of these young men made a difference in this world. Their lives counted. They accomplished things. They mattered. And we will always remember them. They will forever live in our hearts. Yes, we will always remember them. Thank you, Father, for loaning us these two beautiful, incredibly unique children and allowing us to shape them for a future neither one of them had. Thank you for allowing us to love them and enjoy them. They were never really ours. You just loaned them to us and told us to love them because you loved them. There was never a moment in their lives when You did not love them. Never a moment when You didn't beckon them to Your side. And never a moment when You didn't hold out hope for them.

My heart is broken, Lord. I hurt for Laurie. Losing Merle (her firstborn) will be the absolute worst pain she will ever endure in this life. Lord, use this horrible time to bring forth great good. Call Laurie to Yourself. I pray that in her grief and brokenness she will seek you out. That she will turn her face toward You and let You come into her private devastation so that she might be healed. I place her in Your hands for safe-keeping and ask that her grief not destroy her but instead may it drive her straight to You. And I pray that You will heal my heart too. It honestly feels as if Richie just died all over again. It is that raw and that painful. So have mercy on me and give me the grace to endure for as long as it takes. Will there ever be a time in this life when I will not grieve, Lord? No, I don't think so; I will grieve for as long as I live. Please, Father, place a limit on Laurie's grief and wrap Your arms around her and console her. When You left this earth, Lord, You said You were giving us peace, "My peace," You said. Tonight I ask for one thing ... and one thing only ... that You fulfill Your promise.

[Added on edit.] It has been hours since I finished and published my post but I wanted to add to it because I don't know if I'll get back to my blog tomorrow, or whenever. But I just finished burying Mulder. I did it in the dark and it was raining lightly. The hole wasn't as deep as I would have liked. You only go down about 6-9 inches of topsoil before you hit California hard pan. And it's almost impossible to dig through. I dug as deeply as I could and then I just mounded the dirt on top and then placed very heavy rocks on top. I buried him in the flower bed next to Pretty. I just can't believe he's gone. My big, beautiful boy cat getting his big Mulder hugs with his long legs sticking out in every direction. I can't believe this has happened. But at least I didn't have to go out and bury him in a downpour like we're supposed to get tomorrow and Saturday. Especially Saturday. Oh, Mulder, I'm soooo sorry. I love my cats too much and I swear when these are all gone I don't want another pet. I can't take the heart break of losing them anymore. When we moved into this house we had 7 indoor cats, now we are down to 3 and one of those lives solely in our bedroom. She's not kept fastened in back there. She prefers to be by herself and she stays in the bedroom. I keep a litter box in my closet for her and have a feeding station set up for her on top of M's dresser so the dog won't get to it and eat it all up. So really, now, it's going to feel like we have only 2 cats. Using two plates instead of 3. I will miss Mulder so deeply. He was my big mama's boy. He did, indeed, love his mama (me). And I loved him like no other. That's the thing with cats, they each have their own personality and if you have several cats you learn to know them for their quirks. Mulder was a needy cat. He needed a big "Mulder hug" at least once a day. I hate that this has happened. It makes me sick to my stomach. But I wrapped him in a plastic bag and then placed him in the bottom of the hole. Told him I was sorry and that I thought he was the niftiest cat on earth. I told him I loved him. With every shovelful of dirt I told him I loved him. Oh, God, give me strength. I have to go to a funeral tomorrow afternoon for a very dear friend, Fred, he was 84. I'm sure I mentioned him in previous blogs. He's the one that fell off the ladder? This will be a real bummer of a week by the time it's over. Today's devotional Streams in the Desert was on grief: Many of us could tearlessly deal with our grief if only we were allowed to do so in private. Yet what is so difficult is that most of us are called to exercise our patience not in bed but in the open street, for all to see. We are called upon to bury our sorrows not in restful inactivity but in active service ... in our workplace, while shopping, and during social events ... contributing to other people's joy. No other way of burying our sorrow is as difficult as this, for it is truly what is meant by "running with patience." (Hebrews 12:1 KJV).

Until next time...

2 comments:

Nicole said...

I don't have much encouragement as today seems to be a bad day for me also. Although, I can't say that I have had anyone die that I was close to. So, I do want to tell you that I care. May God surround you during this difficult time in your life!!!


Love,
Nicole

godlover said...

Thank you, Nicole, and I'm sorry you're not having a good day either. Pretty crummy. Maybe it was a bad Friday all the way around. Thanks for stopping by and thanks for leaving a comment.

--Marj