Just Struggling Today

This is going to be a totally different blog. Sorry for interrupting the series on death and dying but I really need to talk this out. I have been a Christian for 20 years now and I'm still struggling. There are times when I absolutely DO NOT want to turn my life over to my Lord. Has He ever failed me? NO. Then what's the problem? Do I not trust Him to do the right thing for me? Maybe not, I just don't know. There is so much to my story that I'm not even able to report because there just isn't enough room or time. I'll just say that before I became a Christian I was living the American Dream. We were living in the San Fransico Bay Area and both of us had high paying jobs. We lived in a very nice house in a lovely neighborhood drove nice cars and could afford to eat out several times a week or go shopping anytime I wanted. Then our lives were suddenly turned upside down. My son committed suicide in his bedroon and my world changed forever. Somehow we ended up up here in the foothills and I struggled to find my bearings. I was called by the Lord and thankfully I answered the call not knowing at all what I was letting myself in for. I'll just say that it's been 20 years of learning to let Christ lead my life and to live out the promise that he IS my life. I am not so much a Christian as I am Christ crucified. For whatever reason Christ called me to a life of poverty and I must die to self. It sounds so easy but it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

The issue we are dealing with right now is the lack of a reliable car to use. We live in a rural area and there is no public transportation of any kind. So you cannot survive up here without a car of some kind. The car we have is a 20-year-old cadillac that was given to us. It was in good shape when we got it but over the years it has begun to fall apart. It is not reliable anymore and its brakes are shot. And we have no money for car repairs. God knows we have to have a car so what is He doing?

I began to pray quite specifically about our car a few months back and rather than it becoming more reliable it has lost its brakes as I mentioned. What in the world is the Lord doing in my life??? It seems the car problems have gotten worse rather than better. It is exhausting work to let go of my car and not worry. Oh, I'm a great worrier! I am constantly turning that worry over to my Lord only to have it crop right back up. I keep telling myself that he will do something but something never happens. Then my husband ended up getting a Ford bus that is FALLING APART. Literally. If you open the passenger door it will almost fall off the bus! It's bottom hinge is completely rusted away. It is falling apart but it's got a new engine in it and it will be transportation for us if I can stand having my friends see me riding around in it. Pride. I have to turn that over to the Lord. He has faithfully provided us with another vehicle and I'm letting pride get in the way of my appreciation.

I was lamenting one day to the Lord that He wasn't listening to me. What am I to think when He won't listen to my prayers? I pray and pray for my car and He just lets things get worse and worse. Then in my deepest depression it occurred to me that maybe this bus IS God's answer to my prayers! As ratty and falling apart as it is. Maybe it's the answer to prayer. It would be so much easier if it were a new Toyota or some other car. Nice and pretty. Shining in the sun. People would turn and look and say, "My, what a nice car you have." That's the kind of answer I want to my prayers. But I must submit. Oh, why is it so hard to give the control of your life over to your own Lord who loved you enough to die for you? Why do I let worry and pride dominate my life?

Do I believe Jesus is the Lord of my life? Yes. Do I believe that He loves me and listens to me and cares for me? Yes. Then what's the problem here??? The problem is down where the rubber meets the road. And the question is, Do I trust my Lord??? Yes I do. Then I must trust that He is in the middle of our situation working out my sactification through it. Oh, but santification is sooooooo hard! I don't want to do it. It hurts!!! I mean, He lets others have nice cars and nice furniture and nice houses. Why not me? Because that is not what I have been called to. I have been called to suffer the cross of Christ. I have been called to a life of poverty and in that poverty I find my Lord. All He asks me to do is to take His hand and give all control over to Him. All control? Yes, ALL control. But can't I retain just a tiny bit of control because it feels so much better when I've got my hands in the mix too? No. I am to release everything into His hands and trust Him. I mean, has He ever let me down? Have we been homeless? Hungry? Beaten down? God is trustworthy and I am called to trust Him. I must trust Him. I must take His hand and let Him do His work in me. I must allow Him to rid me of all worry and pride and fear and self. He is my life!

Michael has gone in a borrowed car, taking the last of our money for the month to buy a new battery for the bus and I must release it all unto the Lord. The question is ever, Do I trust my Lord??? Will I let God be God in my life???

I know this blog is totally, totally different from the blogs I usually write but I needed a place to vent and I realized that God could get some glory out of my situation if I would but just share some of what's going on in my life right now. God is so busy in my life, working behind the scenes bringing all things together. I know He is. Yet, like the Israelites, I want to doubt and whine. I'm ashamed to even mention my problems when someone like Heather is going through such an incredibly tough time with the sudden death of her husband. (In another blog.) But I am selfish and self-centered. I worry. I doubt. I whine. And in all that I seek my Lord. I seek to be all that my heavenly Father desires me to be.

We are each called to a particular life. Our God is the God of the individual. He deals with us on a one-on-one basis and He's able to take the whole of our lives into His hands and fashion a life we are called to live. He knows what is best for us. Sanctification is hard work and I know it would be easier if I'd just release it all into His hands and stop digging my heel in and resisting what He's trying to accomplish in my life. But even in my resistance He blesses me. Even in my hard-headedness He continues to do what's best for me. Even in my shallowness and pettiness He remains faithful. His number one goal is to transform me into the image of His dear Son Jesus Christ. Even when I turn my back He continues to bless me. Like the Israelites, He continues to pour out His blessings in the face of my resistance. What an awesome God we have. We will make it through the month. The bus will or won't work with the new battery. And God will remain faithful, digging out the pride and the worry that I seem to think are so important to me. Pulling them out by the roots and I must relinquish it all over to Him. I must allow myself to be poured out like a drink offering and I must learn to trust my Father with every area of my life. I can't hold back even the tiniest bit. Oh, but that's so scarey!!! So was the Garden. But that's so hard. So was the cross. But that's so painful. So was Golgotha.

Well, this was TOTALLY different for my usual blog but it was something I needed to do. I won't do this often because it's exhausting. But, you know, at the same time it's freeing. Ridding ourselves of the Old Man is hard work. It is not easy to face the ugliness in our own lives. You'd think that with all that ugliness we'd eagerly accept what Christ is doing in our lives. But, no. We are hard-headed. We want to keep our hands on the steering wheel and pick the direction. But we are called to turn over everything to our Father. Tomorrow I will be back on death and dying. Today I'm busy dying to self. Today I struggle. I hope your days are good ones. See you tomorrow...