Monday, March 24, 2008

The Day After

Easter is over and it's a fantastically beautiful day in the California foothills with a vibrant blue sky. The fruit trees are in bloom all over. I can look out my sliding glass door across town and see splashes of lavender and pink and white. My step-daughter brought me a beautiful lily when they came up Saturday and it's just beginning to open up and it's going to be absolutely beautiful when it has bloomed out. And even though it hasn't bloomed yet it already smells so sweet and wonderful by the door. What a blessing that flower will be. We had a great Easter with the kids here. They left for San Francisco this morning and Michael and I are getting accustomed to the quiet again. I confess it's nice. I love my kids but I so enjoy the quiet. John says we're turning into vampires not only because we're quiet but because we keep our house so dark in the evenings. It's just the way M and I are accustomed to living. But I must confess, I miss the laughter of little children hunting for brightly-colored Easter eggs in the spring grass. I wish I could reduce my grandchildren to the small ones they once were but they are all adults now (just ask them, LOL) and we have to hope and pray that we were as good at parenting as we tried to be. God is so gracious to give us kids and grandkids and now for me (when and if it happens) great-grandkids.

It doesn't seem possible that I am that old. I'm not really THAT old (I had my boys when I was very young) but you'd never know by looking at me. Old age and I are not friends. I hate what age is doing to my body. But I do need to make friends with the process. You could pray for me in this regard. I just don't like the fact that I can no longer do all the things I used to do. And what I still can do is done with much greater effort and time! But we are to take each day as God gives it and with His grace we continue on day after day. Why is it that we fight against our lives? Against change? Or is it just me? Am I the only one to dig in my heels in protest and say, "No, no, no aging is not for me"? I should take delight in the whole life experience and I do, but yet I don't. There are so many aches, so many pains and everything has become more difficult.

It's just hard for me to remain focused on the fact that God has ordered my life and if I plan to move into intimacy with Him, I must abandon my whole existence, offering it up to Him. I must believe that every circumstance of my life ... every moment of my life, anything and everything that happens to me, the going ins and the going outs ... has come to me by God's will and by His permission and it is exactly what I need for that moment. The only way for me to know that God's will is "good, acceptable and perfect" and to accept day by day the conditions and circumstances He permits, is to lay down my life and my will and my determination moment by moment as I move through this life ... age, to say it better ... and to relinquish total control over to my Lord and Savior and that, dear friends, is a difficult task for me because I so much want to rule my own experiences and circumstances. I want to be my own master. The "old man" hangs on tightly and I find that I must constantly and deliberately lay him aside and submit to Christ as my true Master. Why do I kick against the goads? It serves no purpose. Yet I continue to do it. Sometimes I'm like a two year old throwing a tantrum, or wanting to throw one anyway. "I want my way! I want my way," I cry. Yet I lay it aside and say, "Come, Lord Jesus, Come. Break me if you must. Make me and mold me after Yourself. Remove every last root of 'self' left in me. Be Thou my life. Revive my spirit and refashion me into the shape that pleases You. Teach me to lean on You, and not just in times of trials, but also during the everyday workings of my life. Search my heart and make me after Yourself. And may I ever yield to Your design."

Well, I have decided that I am as overweight as I'm going to allow myself to get. I'm going to stop eating so much. I don't really believe in diets because I believe that portion size is what really matters, not so much what I eat and when I eat it. If I only eat half as much as I'm used to eating I'm going to lose weight. Maybe not as fast as I'd like to but, hey, I didn't get to the size I am overnight either.

LazyDRanch8 is still struggling and sadly she will for the rest of her life. It will get easier for her in time, but for now she has such a terrible weight to carry. Please keep her and her six children in your prayers and thoughts. Eric's sudden passing is a difficult thing for all of them. The kids miss their daddy and Heather misses her soulmate of 20 years. It is just part of living this life. But death is not the end for Christians. It still hurts. We still miss them. But we have hope. I don't know how people make it through this life without God. I feel bad for them because they have no hope, no promises, no future without our heavenly Father; just this wretched life with all its pains and sorrows and frustrations.

I had better get to the post office before it gets any later. Michael has a card he wants mailed to a friend today and he's not feeling up to going to the post office himself. I think the kids wore him out while they were here. As difficult as I find aging to be, I can't imagine what it must feel like to him, being 16 years my senior. He's just really tired so I'll do the errands today. We try not to go to town every day because of the price of gasoline but I'll make an exception to get his card mailed on time.

I am really happy to be back blogging and I will try to keep it going but I probably won't post every day. But I don't know. Since coming back without all those self-imposed restraints and obligations, it's back to being fun for me again. Just keep checking my blog occasionally if you feel the urge. If there's nothing new today; check tomorrow! It's that kind of a blog. Closer to what everyone else has, I think.

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